Where do I begin? In the past 6 months I have tried to understand my own thinking and other’s psychology surrounding these types of dolls. As I said, it’s a visceral experience. If you’ve never owned one, or approach the subject with preconceived notions about them, you will never understand anything about people that buy sex/love/companion dolls.

     I will do my best to keep to the highlights.

     I started noticing in my thirties, I was not having much success with finding a girlfriend. It always seemed like most girls I knew had a boyfriend. Even if and when they broke up, they quickly had another one. This went all the way back to High School. I guess I always had the idea of ‘soulmates’, romantic fairytale stuff growing up?

     After having a fairly serious relationship in my early twenties for a few years. Things just didn’t work out. We had slowly discovered we had some major differences in our likes and dislikes. Now here I was in my thirties. Most women were married and having families. The twenty somethings would always say, “you’re too old for me…”, which cut like a knife.

     I started performing solo acoustic music fairly regularly, but that didn’t lead into any romantic interests. Then as I approached 40 it seemed like my whole world came crashing down. A combination of things from my childhood and all the weirdness growing up, being a teenager and so many things going sideways through the years. I had a train carload of regrets and a fear of being a single, “old guy”. So, drinking progressed into full blown alcoholism. Everything you hear about is true. It WILL happen to you. Don’t ever start!

     Well, I struggled to find an answer. The 12-steps were a primer for me. Maybe since I had been raised Catholic, going back to Church would be the answer? Then I kind of liked some of the Christian music and gravitated toward these Calvary style Christians. It’s a neat story of how I got ‘born again’. Yes! This was the answer! I could feel it. Yet there was no ‘white light’ experience for me. I felt just as empty.

     In-between there, after my 2nd DUI, I got a phone call from the local Pastor. Literally the same day I got home from the hospital, all banged up, to ask if I was coming to the chicken BBQ next Saturday. Wow. So, I asked if we could meet-up that week to discuss faith. He met with me that Wednesday and we hit it off immediately. We both showed up wearing Khaki shorts, Hawiian shirts, and sandals. Wow again! I found out he hadn’t become a Pastor until he was in his forties and was a Vietnam Vet. I ended up joining that Church, Dutch Reformed, which is really protestant. And things went a little better, but the drinking was still there. And still no girl.

     Jump to the ‘born again’ part. After about 3 years, and seeing the same hypocrisies, I moved back into agnosticism, which I learned the differences in the Big Book of AA. I had still attended meetings if only for the fellowship. I still can’t swallow it. So, I continued reading everything I could get my hands on about self. I eventually found a book that made it all make sense to me. “The Freedom Method”. It was a more balanced approach, being written by a Dr. and an alcoholic. There’s a word to describe he philosophy but I’m so sick of everything and everyone needing a label.

     All this through my forties, hopelessly heartbroken, sad, and lonely all the time. Every time I went back to dating apps, it was a miserable, phony, experience ending in failure. I hope this isn’t too long? Maybe someone out there can relate?

     We needed to get where I am now. I hit 50, still feeling the same. Then I woke up one morning with a terrible pain. I went to the hospital to find out it was my gallbladder. They also found a mass in my abdomen. After almost an 8-hour surgery, the surgeon came in the next day and said it wasn’t cancer. Whew! I spent almost 8 weeks in the Hospital and recovery center. Nothing but bad TV and time to think.

     Everything that had happened to me my whole life that I couldn’t let go of, that drove me into depression, all those regrets. All these times I could’ve died! The thoughts over the years of ending it. I had to let it all go. Now was a new chapter, filled with all new dilemmas.

     I found out I had cirrhosis. My liver gets hit much harder than most people, likely due to an enzyme deficiency. I can’t drink at all. My kidneys have also been less than 100%. A few months later I started developing fluid in my belly from the liver. That herniated my surgical wound area and for the past year I’ve been trying to get another surgery to repair it. I started having mild gout recently, now I can’t eat many of the foods I like. The 3 medications I’ve been on to alleviate the liver condition have killed my libido. I’m screwed!

     Here I was totally depressed again. Can’t eat foods I like, can’t drink, no sex drive, and still no girlfriend. With women’s attitudes nowadays, I’m really not interested in women my age that are overweight, divorced with grown children, and an attitude. No thanks!

     I really stumbled upon Ainidoll. I may have been looking for a new toy they don’t make any more or something? I was really amazed when I saw the dolls! So, I went for it! It’s been the best decision I ever made! They brought me back to feeling a sense of acceptance, of having the family I always longed for. Experiencing through my dolls that happy 10-year-old I once was, through Hayden. But also, with having a beautiful girlfriend I can love unconditionally. No drama, no fights, no arguing.

     It may be just a fantasy life but what’s my alternative? Dying lonely, of a hopelessly broken heart, feeling completely worthless? Wanting to end it all? Or living a fantasy?

     I’ll take the fantasy! I love my dolls! Thank you Ainidoll!